A Nonsense Guide to F1 2024

CarClots.net proudly presents a not-so-comprehensive guide to the 2024 season.

Red Bull

Drivers: Max Verstappen, Sergio Perez

Spice level: Napalm

Brief Summary: Let’s be honest we’re fooling no one. The only way these feckers won’t win everything is if half the team is suddenly assassinated.

Mercedes

Drivers: Lewis Hamilton, George Russell

Spice level: Vindaloo

Brief Summary: On an unrelated note, some strange-looking men in ski masks carrying large sports bags were recently seen going into a meeting room at Mercedes HQ in Brackley.

Mercedes has spent the winter boasting about their radically new Red Bull-style concept. And it better bloody work as Toto Wolff has warned his colleagues it’s no longer just his desk in danger.

we think the Mercedes livery will look: like this 1998 Arrows A19. The uncreative sods

Ferrari

Drivers: Charles Leclerc, Carlos Sainz

Spice Level: Bhuna

Brief Summary: Ah, Ferrari. F1’s very own overconfident drunkard, they can be very smart and capable when they want to be. Yet they’re the type of bloke who never learns to stop saying WATCH THIS!

A Ferrari spokesperson told us “Naaaah the last 16 years were just practice, THIS TIME THOUGH!”

McLaren

Drivers: Lando Norris, Oscar Piastri

Spice level: Madras

Brief Summary: When we started writing this preview they were absolutely nowhere. But about halfway through we suddenly realised they’d be brilliant!

If the new car leaps forward as dramatically as it did last year, write them off at your peril…

we think the car looks: like there’s been some archive digging

Aston Martin

Drivers: Fernando Alonso, Lance Stroll

Spice level: Balti

Brief Summary: In some ways the opposite of McLaren. They started last year as lusty and hearty. They finished the year as precisely none of those things. Aston is either shit or THE shit and no in-between.

we think the Aston Martin looks: shiny

Alpine

Drivers: Esteban Ocon, Pierre Gasly

Spice level: Rogan Josh

Brief Summary: Not good, not bad. Performances as of late have been so anonymous it’s hard to think of a joke for this bit. This may be because the team’s held back by a management that’s less stable than a chair with two legs.

we think the Alpine livery looks: a bit like this Ford Capri.

Williams

Drivers: Alex Albon, Logan Seargent

Spice level: Tikka Masala

Brief Summary: This team is slowly and surely getting a little bit better every year. Alex Albon often provides dependable and sometimes plucky results that make you feel quite nice inside.

Logan Seargent meanwhile has been given a Renault Twingo to drive this year on the basis that it’ll be much harder and less expensive to crash. Reports state that 12 Twingos have been spotted at Williams HQ in preparation.

Visa Cashcow Terms and conditions apply R(ed) B(allsack) F1 team.

Drivers: Daniel Ricciardo, Yuki Tsunoda

Spice level: Korma

Brief Summary: Much of their operation has been moved to Red Bull in Milton Keynes for this year. Despite this, Red Bull insists they’re their own team, with their own goals and identity, and definitely NOT a Red Bull junior team. Unfortunately, the piece of paper with the small matter of ‘an identity’ was lost by the removal van service.

The team is hoping to get a few more hand-me-down bits from Red Bull this year. Therefore if they turn up to Bahrain second fastest we know why.

Rump Steak Sauber F1

Drivers: Valtteri Bottas, Zhou Guanyu

Spice level: Pilau rice

Brief Summary: A team purely on the grid for the banter until Audi takes over. We won’t care if they do badly, they might raise an eyebrow or two. But It’s a team that’s just…There.

On a side note, the team has told us in the strongest possible terms, their name is not to be confused with a special sword used to kill vampires called a stake. Nor is it to be confused with the rather delicious cut of meat, steak. Oh, bollocks…

Lack of Money-gram Haas

Drivers: Kevin Magnussen, Nico Hulkenberg

Spice level: Milk

Brief Summary: Now F1’s very own Malcolm Tucker, Gunther Steiner, has left the team, we felt sure this would be where Haas turned a corner. Their new team principal Ayao Komatsu has been rather dogmatic about what he’s inherited though. A team insider told us he was recently seen banging his head repeatedly against the factory wall soundtracked by broken murmurs of “Jesus fucking wept.”

Stan Shebs, Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Pygoscelis_papua.jpg

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Multiverse leak wreaks havoc on Formula 1.

In a mind-bending turn of events, F1 news from alternate realities has reportedly leaked into our own. While initially dismissed as a hoax by the bored bog dwellers of Z formerly known as F1 Twatter, Sources have confirmed that headlines from dimensions where common sense is an endangered species, and logic is deep into a quadruple vodka are infiltrating our news cycles.

The outbreak caused considerable distress. One reportedly saw a story in Manualsport magazine reporting a cat called Biggles has been elected as FIA president. While another saw a story on P21 with Tom and Matty predicting the World Hovercraft champion of 2024. The most ridiculous of all, however, was the breaking news on Sky Sports F1 that Lewis Hamilton has signed with Ferrari for the 2025 season. 

However at 5 pm today a newly formed wing of the FIA named the Interdimensional Oversight Bureau held a press conference to explain what happened. The spokesperson assured the public “We are diligently working to install reality filters to prevent further leakage. “We’re investing in top-notch metaphysical gaffa tape and quantum glue to seal any cosmic fissures that might be responsible for this inconvenient crossover,” declared the spokesperson, whose job title now includes “Reality Custodian.” 

What this all means for the F1 media now is unclear, F1 journalists are a group known for their over-eagerness in bombastically reporting the quietest of paddock murmurings and are famously banned from local paintball arenas for being “too trigger-happy”. The pertinent question is, if the fabric of reality can break down once, could it happen again?

As one expert put it, “The truth is out there, Lewis MAY have moved to Ferrari, but it’s probably in a parallel universe where llamas are life coaches and the moon is made of chocolate. It couldn’t happen in ours, SURELY!”

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FOM rejects Andretti Cadillac F1 Bid

In a move that surprised no one, apart from maybe Michael Andretti’s mum, Formula 1 has rejected Andretti’s bid to enter the 2025 season.

Andretti, a staple of most motorsports series across the world, has long been looking to join the pinnacle of motor racing. But despite approval from the FIA last October, FOM today concluded a flat “no.” in a report so patronizing it makes your tongue itch. Cited reasons include but are not limited to “having too many vowels in the team name,” “The unlikeliness of turning up to Bahrain 15 seconds a lap faster than anyone else,” and “not having enough money behind them to solve world debt.”

An F1 spokesperson Sir Reginald Mumbleton stated, “While we appreciate Mr. Andretti’s interest, we must uphold the prestigious traditions of Formula 1. The delicate balance of the sport would be jeopardized if we allowed a team with actual motorsport heritage to join! Sirloin Steak F1 team and Visa Cashapp ATOL protected your investments may go up as well as down Red Bollocks racing are prestigious household brands that would be regrettably devalued.”

Another commented “There’s a serious risk that Andretti might bring a touch of sanity and humility to the cutthroat world of Formula 1. “We can’t have someone coming in here and promoting sportsmanship and camaraderie. It’s just not the F1 way,”

Andretti meanwhile has reportedly not taken the news well. “With F1’s new obsession with the US market, I thought bringing a competitive American team to F1 would be a win for the sport. But I guess they’re more concerned with trying to find the answer for why everyone is going to WEC.”

Fans are also decidedly angry with the consensus being an 11th team would add some much-needed spice and the decision to reject them is nothing short of hypocritical, shortsighted, and cockarsed. 

What the next steps for Andretti are is unknown. A strongly worded email? Court? Declaring war? A high-stakes game of Rock, Paper Scissors? Whatever they decide to do, this is a saga set to continue for at least hours.

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F1 executives: “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS A RACING TRACK?!?!”

There were curious scenes in a board room of Formula 1 Management (FOM) today when Stefano Dominicali sent out an urgent memo to his staff ordering them to find out what exactly is a racing track?

The Former Ferrari Boss turned half-witted F1 CEO was reportedly baffled at a unique combination of words he’d never seen before, The phrase was often mentioned in F1 fans’ unified groan at the recent announcement of the new street circuit in Madrid.

The new circuit will debut in 2026 to replace Circuit Catalunya. And has signed a long-term deal to be on the calendar until at least 2167. It will feature some straights, some corners, and a projected lap time of 1:32.0456089345890234759023485.

While potentially exciting, the feeling among fans seems to be that a better solution would be taking advantage of already existing “permanent racing circuits”

“What on earth does this mean? Anyone? IS THERE ANYONE IN FORMULA 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!”

Sadly however, no one in the FOM board room seemed to know.

An internal document was quickly circulated and researchers quickly came back with some potential solutions for what a “permanent racing circuit” could possibly mean.

One came back with the venues Yoshi Falls and Coconut Mall from Mario Kart Wii. “you can definitely race cars on them and they’re definitely still there if we turn the WII off and on again.” Another was certain it meant a drawing of the Las Vegas GP track in permanent marker “We drew it on the office wall and it definitely won’t rub it off again. I’d say that’s pretty permanent.” A brave intern did suggest places such as “Sepang, Hockenheim and Portimao” but he was thrown out of a window before he could add more.

Eventually, after some painstaking research, FOM finally felt confident in their solution and Dominicali travelled to one of these “permanent circuits” himself to explain why this type of venue would be unsuitable.

“The first problem we can see is the layout seems extremely boring. Consisting of three very long straights and 3 hairpins, We feel this would be extremely boring for the drivers who like a challenge. By that we mean an extremely fiddley complex that’s impossible to overtake through.” 

“Secondly, F1 cars with their incredible power and torque would completely chew up the track surface. Grass is notorious for its lack of grip and would be made worse still if it rained. The circuit would need to be resurfaced every year making costs for the venue extremely high.”

“The third problem we can see is a dangerous lack of safety. The circuit doesn’t seem to feature any sort of tyre stack or tecpro. It also completely lacks any kind of runoff and the circuit seems to be defined with a white fence instead of the FIA required white painted line.” 

“Finally and most pressingly, the circuit seems to have several hedgerows in the way of where the cars would run. There’s no way an F1 car could drive through them and FIA track guidelines forbid F1 circuits to have any sort of jump.”

“It’s for these reasons, we have to conclude for our purposes, these ‘permanent racing circuits’ such as Aintree Racecourse would not be practical.”

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Next Issue 19th February