To try and prevent this year’s Monaco Grand Prix from once again devolving into an insomnia cure, the FIA decided to spice things up by mandating two pit stops. The idea was to avoid a repeat of last year’s race, where a Lap 1 red flag allowed everyone to pit for free—thus eliminating the tiny shred of jeopardy a dry Monaco race ever had.

So, with a whole new strategic puzzle to inject some action, that should’ve fixed things, right? Weeeeeeeellllll… no.

Teams just played to the whistle—either waiting until the last lap to pit in the hopes of a red flag or driving like nans to create a pit-stop-sized gap for their teammates. While I suppose I can say the strategy made things more interesting in terms of execution, it only elevated the race from abysmal to poor.

Still, at least they tried something.

Anyway, following Max Verstappen’s suggestion of deployable banana skins and George Russell’s idea of each driver getting one lap to activate a series of sprinklers, here are six further suggestions on how we can improve the Monaco GP.

1). Joker laps

Back in the early(ish) days of Formula E, they used a slightly tweaked Monaco layout that went from Sainte Devote and fed out at the harbour chicane. So why not borrow from rallycross and let F1 drivers use that alternate route—say, twice during the race?

Are you a George Russell stuck behind a Williams gently chauffeuring itself around the Principality? Time your joker lap right, and you may never have to stare at that rear wing again!

Pros:

• Potentially solves the traffic problem
• some extra chaos when rejoining the main layout
• Requires minimal(ish) changes to the track

Cons:

• If the car ahead also jokers, you’re still stuck
• Tunnel exit + lapse in talent = head-on collision potential

2). More strategy tweaks

While Pirelli did bring their brand-new super-duper soft C6 compound to Monaco, given how slow the average corner speed is the tire wear still wasn’t quite enough. So, here’s the plan,

Soft compound: Wagon Wheel

Medium compound: Jaffa cakes

Hard compound: Foxes original chocolate biscuits

Pirelli take notes

Pros:

• Even softer compounds will force even more pitstops and surely SOMEONE has to make a mistake in the pits at some point.

Cons:

• All 3 compounds might not last a lap to begin with
• Risk of a driver or mechanic eating their own tyres on the grid are low but not zero

3). Power ups

Following on from Max’s banana skins idea, every three laps as a driver crosses the line, they get a slot-machine-style display on their dashboard for a race-altering item. for example shells to slow the car ahead, a turbo boost of some kind to build a gap or even a deployable safety car!

There’s even a small chance of receiving a very special item—a blue shell (for argument’s sake) that targets the race leader and hands them a drive-through penalty.

Or better: If you’re last with no hope of improving, you could get a sentient rocket called oh i don’t know, Bill? Anyway if you get this bullet called Bill everyone gets slowed down and you fly through the field to the front. Genius!

Pros:

• Jeopardy levels: OFF THE CHARTS
• Literally anyone could win
• gives Lance Stroll a competitive chance

Cons:

• Potential for letters from Nintendo’s legal team
• may be some difficulty keeping track
• May be, just slightly, artificial

4). Smaller, lighter cars

Every year, post-Monaco, the conversation turns to how today’s F1 cars are too big and too heavy. Which… they are. But this complaint has echoed since the ‘90s.

Yes, Olivier Panis won from 14th in ‘96, but he did it because nearly everyone else crashed or broke down. And that famous Mansell vs. Senna battle in ‘92? A much faster Williams couldn’t pass a slower McLaren due to how tight the circuit is.

So here’s a bold fix:
Qualify in the F1 cars on Saturday, that way we get the excitement of qualifying at Monaco. Once quail is completed, the F1 cars are then shipped off to the next race and on Sunday, each team runs a city car from their parent brand. Ferrari gets a Fiat 500 or that Lancia that looks like an idiot, Alpine use a their new A290. Aston Martin finally puts the Cygnet to use. Red Bull give Honda the chance to turn the Jazz into a performance beast. Everybody wins!

Pros:

• Smaller, lighter cars capable of overtaking (maybe)
• Road relevance for manufacturers
• No circuit alterations required

Cons:

• Slower race lap times
• Distinct possibility of not completing all 78 laps
• Extra set of technical regulations needed

5). start again

Admit it, over the years we’ve watched Monaco we’ve all had this thought at least once…

Yes this is quite literally the nuclear option, but let’s face it the Circuit de Monaco is woefully out of step with the needs of a modern F1 car and perhaps the only true fix is the red hot nuclear button. While it might seem like a bit of an overreaction, after all the tedium I and I’m sure many others have sat through over the years quite frankly, the needs of the many watching this race outweigh a nay saying few.

Besides, Monaco isn’t exactly short on cash. I’m sure they can rebuild the city quickly, and most residents probably have a second (or third) home anyway. As for the pesky radiation part? We can sort that out later, it might be a few years before we can go back but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Pros:

• Blank canvas to design a great new track that’s as wide and as overtake heavy as we could possibly want

Cons:

• City may be slightly uninhabitable for a generation or two
• Residents may somewhat oppose being nuked

6). Declare the race a lost cause and turn over

I hate to sound defeatist, but maybe this is the easiest option

Monaco isn’t going anywhere. Unless it rains, this GP will continue to guarantee a procession for many years to come. Maybe the only solution that preserves tradition, respects the layout, avoids fiddling with the cars, and limits gamesmanship is to accept this races fate as the one Grand Prix you don’t feel guilty about skipping. Besides once you’ve watched one Monaco GP you quickly learn that this is what most of us do anyway…

Pros:

• No changes needed anywhere
• Probably not missing much

Cons:

• The one time you skip will be the one time it rains and 15 cars crash.

So, there we are, that’s 6 ideas to improve the Monaco GP. FIA you’re welcome! Watch this space next year for when we’ve once again sat through the full race and we’re contemplating solutions to fix the race that will DEFINITELY be listened to, especially the nuke option, i really think that one might be a goer…

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