Dipsticks.blog

In a turn of events that wasn’t really that surprising, the “Starmer” model by Kia has emerged victorious in a nationwide vote to determine the United Kingdom’s favourite car. The sleek and diplomatic saloon claimed a landslide majority in Thursday’s vote, leaving competitors unable to say anything but “bugger.”

“We are absolutely thrilled with this result,” said Kia UK’s spokesperson, Sarah Car. “The Kia Starmer represents a new era in automotive excellence, combining practicality with a smooth, calming demeanour. It’s clear that the British public has recognised these qualities in their resounding support.”

The Kia Starmer was originally launched in 2020 to replace the radical Corbyn model which while certainly radical, proved a bit too zany for the mass market. The Starmer was initially met with fairly lukewarm reception with the consensus being the model was painfully beige and bland. However, with growing uncertainty in the motoring world, the Starmer’s image of steady performance and no-nonsense approach handling has been described as “the car you can trust to get the job done.” Its marketing campaign, which featured slogans like “A car for the many, not the few” and “it’s not like the OTHER cars,” appears to have struck a chord with voters nationwide.

Critics, however, have been quick to point out that the vote might have been less about the Starmer being good and more about the alternative offerings being arse-witted and utterly useless.

“We thought we’d give the Starmer a go. We haven’t been very lucky with cars over the last 14 years,” remarked Noel Caliper. “Our Jaguar Cameron really split the family’s opinion in two and the Austin Theresa didn’t help matters. We then had an utter disaster with our Alfa Romeo Johnson. It kept changing the language to Latin, routing us to the wrong place and then denied it ever did so! And that was before we found out the car was going for joyrides behind our back! The Kia can’t be as bad SURELY!”

Another punter we spoke to, Dougie Style added “The ‘Triumph’ Truss we had was an utter disaster. The value completely tanked the minute it left the dealer and then it blew its engine 6 weeks later. The Mini Sunak wasn’t much better. The running costs were simply ridiculous!”

Meanwhile our industry analyst Alistair Cambelt was somewhat skeptical of the Starmer, “The problem with the Kia that’s always persisted is no one really knows what it stands for. Some elements hint at it being radical change while other parts suggest it’s just a new badge on what came before.”

Other noteworthy results were a sizeable vote for the commendably left-field Opel Calibra Democrat and a surprising, if perhaps concerning, rise in popularity for the Morris Farage.

As the dust settles, the Kia Starmer’s historic win seems poised to reshape the automotive landscape in the UK. Only time will tell if this vehicle will live up to the hype, but for the day or two where nothing really happens aside some speeches and celebrations, it seems the British public has found its new driving force.