WLTP test might not be very accurate after all

In a revelation that has shaken the automotive industry to its core, a recent report has uncovered that the Worldwide Harmonised Light Vehicle Test Procedure (WLTP) may not be as accurate as previously touted. In response, experts and analysts have collectively exclaimed, “No shit, Sherlock.”

The WLTP test, introduced to provide a more realistic measure of vehicle emissions and fuel consumption, has now been the subject of a report scrutinising it’s accuracy. This news comes as a shock to absolutely no one with a basic understanding of the difference between a laboratory simulation and real-world conditions.

“It’s truly groundbreaking to discover that a test conducted under controlled laboratory conditions might not perfectly reflect what happens in real life,” remarked Dr. Obvious, head researcher of the study. “Next, we’ll be told that water is wet and the sun is hot.”

The WLTP test was hailed as a significant improvement over its predecessor, the New European Driving Cycle (NEDC), which was about as accurate in reflecting real-world driving conditions as a fortune cookie is in predicting the weather. And is best known for being the one VW fiddled quite prolifically. And while the test is certainly more extensive, requiring a whole 10 more minutes, higher speeds and flooring it a bit more every so often. The report has shown it overestimates the fuel economy of petrol cars by 23.7% and diesel cars by 18.1%. 

And while it did show PHEV cars are a significant improvement on petrol cars for CO2 emissions, the test doesn’t reflect the way these cars are charged in real use. While it didn’t say anything about electric vehicles it did at least implicate that SUVs weighing more than small moons strayed the furthest from their figures. Would you believe it?!?!?!

As the automotive industry scrambles to address this latest revelation, consumers are left wondering what other shocking discoveries may lie ahead. In the meantime, they plan to continue relying on their own real-world experiences and common sense, rather than putting blind faith in a test that’s about as accurate as a coin flip.

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FOM vs Andretti round 2

In a bold and somewhat unexpected move, Andretti has announced the opening of a state-of-the-art facility at Silverstone Business Park, just months after being snubbed from entering the prestigious sport. The move comes as a slap in the face to those who doubted their capabilities and lays down a very strong intent for what’s to come

As a brief bit of background in mid-February, Formula One Management (FOM) released a report tearing Andretti’s bid to enter apart. While it was entirely expected they would say no to Andretti entering, what no one was prepared for was the remarkable amount of inaccuracies, hypocrisy and self-congratulatory nonsense rife throughout it. And given how often it mentioned “stakeholders” and “commercial interests” It was generally perceived as a statement of “We don’t really care about America, but we sure as hell care about their money.”

Other points of interest were it claiming an 11th team would be an operational and organisational burden, despite finding space for Brad Pitt and Apple to make a movie at Silverstone last year. It cited they wouldn’t be competitive building one car to the current regulations for 2025 to completely change in 2026. Not realising Haas did exactly that when it entered in 2016. And it implied having a customer team would be damaging for the sport, accidentally insulting 6 of the 10 teams on the current grid…

Fortunately for FOM, they managed to escape much of the backlash thanks to Lewis Hamilton’s move to Ferrari being leaked the next day. Andretti was understandably unhappy with this and implied this was far from over.

The latest in the saga arrived this weekend when Andretti opened a brand new facility at Silverstone with the specific intention of building F1 and F2 cars

“They thought they could keep us out, but we’re here to show them what we’re made of, And let me make one thing clear: we ARE going to enter Formula 1 and just you fuckers try and stop us.” – Michael Andretti…maybe…

What the aims are in the meantime are unclear. Opening a facility probably won’t change FOM’s mind but we think they’ve mainly done it to throw a V-shaped salute and show they could be in the sport tomorrow, the only reason they’re not is because FOM doesn’t want them to be. It remains to be seen what Andretti does with their new facility although we are secretly hoping they plan to build and test an F1 car anyway to further drive the point home. 

Whatever the outcome, one thing is clear: Andretti Motorsport isn’t going down without a fight. And this saga is set to continue rumbling on for at least a few minutes.

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Mercedes plans luxury tank

In a bold move that blurs the lines between automotive innovation and military prowess, Mercedes AMG has announced plans to venture into uncharted territories with their latest creation: a luxury electric tank aimed at rivalling the likes of the BMW XM and Lotus Eletre in the burgeoning market of gargantuan super SUVs.

The vehicle promises to be an imposing presence on the roads and the battlefield… erm, sorry, the school run. And promises to boast over 1000hp and will pioneer several innovations for the mass market including tracks and supersized Nerf bullets to intimidate lesser vehicles out of the outside lane

“We’ve noticed a trend in the automotive industry where manufacturers are engaged in a race to produce the biggest, heaviest, and frankly, the ugliest SUVs imaginable,” remarked Hans Dieter Scheiße, head of the project. “So, we thought, why not take it a step further? After all, we all know these vehicles cater for those with a desperate need to compensate so we may as well one up our rivals by giving them the vehicle they are really after.”

The announcement comes at a time when car manufacturers are under increasing scrutiny for producing oversized vehicles that contribute to environmental degradation and urban congestion. Critics have dubbed these super SUVs as “urban assault vehicles” and have raised concerns about their impact on road safety and fuel consumption.

However, Mercedes AMG remains undeterred, citing market demand for larger and more ostentatious vehicles as the driving force behind their decision.

“We conducted extensive market research, and our findings were crystal clear: consumers want vehicles that make a statement, both literally and figuratively,” explained Dieter Scheiße. “We’re giving them exactly what they asked for – a vehicle that screams, ‘I have absolutely no taste whatsoever!’”

While details regarding the vehicle’s specifications remain scarce, insiders suggest that the car will boast an array of luxurious features, including diamond-stitched leather seats, a champagne cooler, and a state-of-the-art sound system capable of drowning out the sound of small children quaking in fear.

Reaction to the announcement has been mixed, with some applauding Mercedes AMG for their audacity while others have expressed concern about the escalating arms race in the world of luxury SUVs.

“I mean, what’s next? A Ferrari Humvee? An Alfa Romeo Battleship?” pondered automotive analyst, Rebecca Irony. “It’s as if car manufacturers are competing to see who can produce the most absurdly unnecessary vehicle. At this rate, we’ll soon have SUVs the size of Leeds.”

As the automotive industry hurtles towards an uncertain future, one thing is clear: the era of the super SUV shows no signs of slowing down, it seems that the boundaries of absurdity have been well and truly obliterated.

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next issue: 30th April