ALL HAIL THE RENAULT 5 E-TECH!!!!!

In a moment of sheer transcendence and automotive enlightenment, the automotive deity known as Renault has bestowed upon us mortals a gift of unparalleled magnitude: the rebirth of the Renault 5. With celestial grace and technological prowess, the automotive temple of Renault has unveiled the latest incarnation of its hallowed relic, sending shockwaves through the cosmos and igniting fervent worship amongst the faithful.

In an exclusive ceremony attended by the devout disciples of the Renault sect, the unveiling of the new Renault 5 left witnesses awestruck, tears of joy streaming down their cheeks as they basked in the divine glow of automotive perfection. The High Priests of Renault, clad in robes of pop yellow and adorned with the sacred emblem of the diamond, chanted hymns of praise as the chosen vehicle emerged from its cocoon of secrecy.

“The Renault 5 has returned to us, not as a mere car, but as an emblem of salvation for humanity,” declared Grandmaster Automobilicus, head of the Renault order. “Behold, the chosen one, the harbinger of a new era of automotive enlightenment!”

Keenly priced from £25k, it boasts features so divine they could only be conceived in the halls of Olympus. The new R5 boasts an electric heart, pulsating with the energy of either a 40kW or 52kW battery pack and roughly 180 to 250 miles of range. Its sleek design is so modern and yet so delightfully retro, and the multilink rear suspension hints at spritely handling. And name us another car that comes with a porte baguette. (A wicker basket to carry baguettes). With the ability to traverse realms with zero emissions, the Renault 5 emerges as a beacon of hope in the battle against the earthly scourge of pollution and uninspired crossovers

“The new Renault 5 is not just a car; it’s a manifestation of divine benevolence,” proclaimed Sister Octane, a devout follower of the Renault 5 faith. “Its electric soul whispers promises of salvation to our planet, guiding us towards a future where the streets run clean and the air is pure. And where car design doesn’t have to be boring”

Amidst the chaos of a world plagued by turmoil and strife, the new Renault 5 emerges as a shining beacon of hope, leading humanity towards a future filled with promise and possibility. For those who dare to believe, the Renault 5 is more than just a car—it’s a symbol of salvation, a testament to the boundless power of automotive divinity.

ALL HAIL THE RENAULT 5 E-TECH, THE CHOSEN ONE DESTINED TO LEAD HUMANITY TO GREATNESS!!!!!!!!

(We hasten to add that the writer of this may or may not have been radicalised by a renault 5 cult)

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The Original R5: A retrospective

Something we’re quite proud of is we’ve managed to work a shitbox car into every issue. We’ve featured the Twingo, the Allegro, the Maxi and the Lancia Beta. As car news was a teeny bit skinny this time We were originally going to have a measured look back at the Morris Marina. That Marina retrospective is coming. oh boy is it coming…

But it occurred to me that I’m probably the only person below the age of 35 that gives a rat arse about the original so for those of you who don’t know what the bloody hell the last section was about, let me try and convert you…

The original Renault 5 was launched in 1972 as a sort of sequel to the Renault 4 and 2CV. It was one of the world’s first superminis, spawned some of the first hot hatchbacks and gained a reputation as a giant-killing cult classic. The car was briefed as “the car for all seasons, for holidays and work, for weekdays and weekends, for town and country” It was a massive hit. Across 5 continents it sold 5.5 million units. It was also the first production car to come with deformable plastic bumpers. Think of it as France’s Ford Fiesta, but a bit bigger. And a bit happier looking, and more French.

Performance? What’s that? Imagine how a piece of French tat from the 70s would drive. Pretty much exactly that. As much as we can say there’s nothing that drives like a Renault 5, I suppose you can counter that by saying there’s also nothing like syphilis. Objectively it’s terrible. Slow, bouncy and with comical amounts of body roll. Subjectively, it’s incredibly fun. While most shit cars are fun because you never need to take your foot off the throttle. The 5 was fun because it was a challenge to keep any speed going at all.

Not to worry though because in 1978 renault launched the Gordini model. In the UK, your choice of hot hatch was mainly between 2. The VW Golf GTI or you waited a bit for the Ford Escort XR3i. But if you were delightfully left field, you went for the R5 Gordini. The performance improved dramatically and took the 5 to being- fast?

Was the Gordini not fast enough for you? Well, the Renault 5 turbo may have been for you. OK, it technically was so modified it barely qualified as a Renault 5 but who cares when you have a car with as fat and sexy an arse as this.

Created as a homologation special for rallying (a limited run, highly advanced version of your road car to develop your racing car off). The car had a turbocharger, was mid-engined and rear-wheel drive and boasted one of the most 80s interiors ever. In the hands of a French lunatic called Jean Ragnotti, it would often terrorize the much more expensive and advanced factory efforts at events like the Monte-Carlo Rally.

Still not crazy enough for you? Well, bloody shit! the group B rally-tuned Renault 5 Maxi Turbo is surely enough. 20 were built (most probably crashed) and even featured an F1-derived anti-lag system. The thing was so snappy and pointy, the aforementioned Jean Ragnotti could 360 the bastard in 4th gear on command!

The Peugeot 205 forced Renault into revising the car and it continued on until 1996. And for every 205 GTi, there was a 5 GT turbo. In the same way, you were faithful to the Subaru Impreza or Mitsubishi Evo, you were faithful to the Peugeot 205 or Renault 5 and never shall the two meet. In retrospect, the 205 was a better car as it handled slightly better and didn’t suffer from turbo lag in the same way. The 5 did still look quite cool though. And as a simple stylish supermini, it worked just as well. But they also became a modifier’s favourite and could quite easily be modded into a supercar killer. It was eventually replaced by the Twingo and the Clio. The renault 5 may be dead. Long live the Renault 5 E-tech.

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Saudi Arabian GP review

WHAT?!?!?! THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN 80S RENAULTS?!?!?!?!?!

I think that’s enough Renault 5 worship for one issue, let’s move on. Round 2 of F1 2024 took us to the Jeddah Corniche circuit. F1 had a um lively week of news between Bahrain and Saudi but thankfully this time around we also have shite to talk about in the race! Although we’re still no closer to working out why the Saudi street circuit is named after an old and moderately shit Rolls Royce…

F1’s busy week of headlines

We can’t resist it much longer, let’s be honest the main discourse following Bahrain had absolutely nothing to do with the race. And was instead dominated by Christian Horner and Red Bull. We’re not going into the nitty gritty because you probably already know and we can’t be fucked. But the abridged version is an investigation, a further leak, some punchy opinions from Max’s Dad and maybe a couple of plays of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash left Horner’s position as Team Principal looking decidedly precarious. While not much more concrete has been said following the Grand Prix, time will tell what happens to the Red Bull team boss.

Other news included the unveiling of Saudi’s new track in Quiddiah. WE THINK IT LOOKS BRILLIANT! Or at least the protection racket requires that we say WE THINK IT LOOKS BRILLIANT! (there isn’t one as far as we know. Although Valterri Bottas and Fernando Alonso’s tweets bowled that joke straight down the crease for us).

It’s certainly ambitious. Features include a man made 108m rise to turn 1. Underneath which will be a concert venue OBVIOUSLY! Viewing platforms to watch the track from above and a roller coaster to run alongside.

if it’s actually built then fair enough! It all points to creating decent racing so we’ll see what happens! But it would be quite funny if this creates an arms race between Las Vegas for which venue can be the most over the top…

Also, FIA president Mohammed Ben Sulayem is being investigated for potentially fixing last year’s Saudi GP in favour of Alonso and apparently tried to stop the Las Vegas track from getting certified. While not much more on this has come out following it being initially reported, it’s another addition of paddock gossip that proves F1 is a soap opera and you should treat it as such.

Slow news week to be honest…

Jeddah Traffic Chaos explained

When a traffic jam of legendary proportions broke out in Jeddah on Saturday night, it was quickly assumed to be caused by some dick not driving properly. However, it now seems that the gridlock has nothing to do with roundabout etiquette or merging and was in fact a deliberate ploy by the Haas F1 team to secure a points finish at the Saudi Arabian GP. 

“Following a 10-second penalty for Kevin Magnussen we realised his race was mostly fucked. But if we decided that if we were going down, we were going to take half the bloody grid down with us.” – A sorry, not sorry Haas team spokesmanperson

The strategy coup worked a treat. With Magnussen driving slower than James May it allowed Hulkenberg to gain, or rather the others lose, enough time so he could pit and jump into the points. We can’t help but respect it to be honest…

Ollie Bearman was pretty good!

An unexpected development over the weekend was Carlos Sainz developing appendicitis and needing to sit the rest of the weekend out. Ferrari therefore needed a super sub and went with a local lad, keen to help out, called Ollie Bearman. He had a respectable rookie year in F2 last year and while he was definitely quick, he got unlucky with several races working against him. And pole position that Friday was enough to convince Ferrari to give the 18-year-old a shot (and make me question at 20 what the fuck have I done with my life). He had 1 job, not do a Luca Badoer and be comically shit. AND HE WASN’T! He missed out on Q3 by only 11 thousandths of a second and slowly but surely made his way through the field to take home 7th place on debut. Ahead of Lewis Hamilton and Lando Norris. And if he can do that after 1 shortened practice session surely he’s got a great future ahead of him. If only there was an 11th team that could take him on. Wild idea I know…

By the way, did you know he’s an 18-year-old from Chelmsford? It might have been mentioned once or twice, you might have missed it though.

Doriane Pin’s bout of insanity

This weekend also saw the opening round of F1 Academy. The replacement all-women’s series was introduced last year following the demise of the W series. And after a confusing introduction last year that saw most of it not broadcast, it’s looking decidedly healthy this year with live streams available (what there should have been from the start) and genuine backing from all the teams. The story of the weekend was Doriane Pin who *almost* had a faultless debut. She set 2 pole position laps that were 0.785 and 0.684 seconds faster than second place Abbi Pulling. And she would have taken all 3 wins that weekend. But…

A communication breakdown at the end of race 2 saw her pass the chequered flag twice. This earned her a 20-second penalty and promoted Abbi Pulling to the win in race 2. While a lot of people complained this was outrageously harsh, it is consistent with what we’ve seen for this offence before and when you consider marshals will be expecting everyone to not be going at full blast, it suddenly doesn’t become so minor. Maybe she was thinking about that tasty R5 Gordini she saw for sale…

And to be honest that’s about it from Saudi. It was also a painfully middling race but at least it gave us things to talk about from you know, the race rather than the bonfire of gossip surrounding them. Let’s hope Australia actually gives us a race that we can talk about because it’s good! Dare to dream ey?

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Apologies for the overabundance of Renault 5s in this issue. The offending editor has been bound, gagged and forced to spend a week in an Austin Maestro as punishment…

next issue: 2nd April