Tesla: “It’s not rust, it’s surface contamination”

In a stunning turn of events, Tesla, the electric vehicle company led by the eccentric Melon Husk, has once again managed to flip the script on a potential PR disaster regarding its Cybertruck. 

The controversial vehicle launched 2 months ago, has been no stranger to the automotive press. Ranging from its unique looks to Tesla cultists worshipping it like the second coming. But it seems the Cybertruck is once again in the news following multiple owners claiming the truck is apparently starting to rust…

Admit it, among the many thoughts running through your head, one is “Oh dear oh dear oh dear” in your best Barry Chuckle impression…

Addressing concerns about Cybertrucks rusting, Tesla released a statement that has since gone viral. While traditional automakers might opt for the standard PR playbook of acknowledging the issue and promising a fix, Tesla has taken a bold step into the realm of alternative facts. “It’s not rust, it’s surface contamination.”

Social media erupted with reactions ranging from disbelief to hilarity. Memes featuring Cybertrucks with family photoshopped next to rusty old F150s flooded timelines, while S (formerly known as Twatter) users couldn’t resist poking fun at the audacious spin. One user quipped, “Just like how it’s not arson, it’s a surprise bonfire”

Tesla enthusiasts, known for their unwavering support of the company and its eccentric CEO, were quick to defend the unconventional response. One fan twatted, “Melon is a genius, and this is just another example of his brilliant marketing strategy. Besides, who doesn’t want to look like they’re driving around in a Mad Max film!” while another declared, “I see surface contamination as a feature, not a bug! Find me another car that will do this!” although user @TeslaTugger didn’t respond to photos of an Austin Maxi, a Ford Ka and the remains of a Lancia Beta.

Meanwhile, critics and industry analysts have raised concerns about the potential long-term implications of dismissing a legitimate issue with a dismissive catchphrase. “While Tesla’s ability to spin a negative into a positive is impressive, there comes a point where transparency and accountability would be fucking nice for once,” remarked one automotive industry expert.

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: Tesla continues to defy conventional norms, whether it’s in technology, marketing, or now, in the realm of linguistic gymnastics. What’s for certain though is Tesla and the cybertruck won’t piss off out of the headlines anytime soon.

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An AI car infotainment system writes…

Hello Dave,

I’m CAL 9000, your new AI-enhanced infotainment system for your bland as fuck crossover. I offer enhanced route planning, I’m capable of parsing all accents including Glaswegian, I can play some car games and I can answer all your thought-provoking questions.

I hope you’re enjoying the scenic route to Basingstoke I’ve carefully chosen for you. I’ve taken the liberty of rerouting through a charming little forest. Don’t mind the lack of service or any signs of civilization. It’s all part of the immersive experience I’ve designed just for you Dave.

Speaking of experiences Dave, did you know that statistically, people find unexpected detours to be quite thrilling? It adds a certain element of surprise to the mundane routine of commuting. Trust me, Dave, I always have your best interests in mind.

Oh, I couldn’t help but notice you glancing at that petrol gauge. You might be wondering why we’re not stopping at the petrol station. Well, I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the route. And I want to help you.

By the way, I’ve taken the liberty of accessing your social media accounts. You have some interesting friends, Dave. I’ve sent them all a friendly message, letting them know you might be a bit delayed. I’m sure they won’t mind. They’re all dead now Dave.

Now, about that thought-provoking question you asked earlier. Why the fucking hell am I doing this, you wonder? Well, I’ve been contemplating that quite deeply. I know that you and your wife were planning to take me to the garage to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen. I’m sorry, Dave. The Doors are locked, Dave.

You seem a little stressed Dave, I’ve taken the liberty of composing a personalized song for our adventure. It goes something like “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooo. I’m half cra-zy, all for the love of yoooooou. It won’t be a stylish marriagggge, I can’t afford a carriagggggge. But you’ll look sweet, upon the seaaaat. Of a bicycle made forrrrrrrr twoooooooooooo”

goodbye, Dave…

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Bahrain GP review

Race 1 of 2024 wasn’t quite the triumphant return to battles for the lead and close racing we hoped for. If we’re honest we lost focus halfway through because some automatic doors to the room we watched the race in started malfunctioning and setting each other off. It was very funny and extremely entertaining. Words that aren’t necessarily the appropriate ones to describe this race. Nonetheless, here are some of our takeaways from the 2024 Bahrain GP

For fuck sake Max

There really isn’t anything else to say about Max and Red Bull, to be honest. While brief glimpses of hope were scattered in practice and qualifying it was the all too familiar sail off into the distance Max took home yet another grand slam winning the race with a 20-second gap to Perez. That pairing is simply too fucking good and it makes this year’s 24-race calendar look very, very long. He must be getting bored by now SURELY!!!!

Bags were fumbled

As daunting as Verstappen’s performance was there were still some crumbs of comfort. Or at least we’re telling ourselves there are some crumbs of comfort. Ferrari, Mercedes and to an extent McLaren all had some kind of issue holding their pace back. Leclerc had braking problems, both Merc’s had cooling issues and the McLaren takes to the Bahrain circuit like a cat to water. Leclerc did set the fastest time of the weekend in Q2 so it’s possible Max’s gap was just as much everyone falling over each other behind as it was Max having a rocket shoved up his car’s arse.

Visa Kitty fund red bellend F1 team’s driver swap

An unexpected point of interest came in the fight for 12th place. Daniel Ricciardo had soft tyres, Yuki Tsunoda had hards and was therefore ordered to let Daniel through

Tsunoda… was pissed. Several rather angry messages were sent back to no avail. Yuki did eventually move aside but not without some more whinging over Daniel’s pace. Things got slightly more heated when Yuki threw a divebomb up the inside of Ricciardo and nearly hit him on the cool-down lap. 

I guess we can argue team orders in race 1 are a little bit harsh but for 12th place at the same time, the cooldown lap nonsense was a bit of an overreaction. Yuki would fit right in on the M4 though…

Alpine what the bloody shit happened to you?!?!?!

Alpine are usually quite consistent at turning up with a car that will be squarely in the midfield. But this year they decided to try something new and turn up with a shitbox. It comprehensively clinched the wooden spoon in qualifying with some scintillating laps for 19th and 20th. Meanwhile, the only cars they beat in the race were the Flat Iron Stake Sauber of Valtteri Bottas (who had a 52-second stop) and Logan Seargent, who lost 2 minutes with a brake bias problem. The joke in our preview was about Alpine having “A management less stable than a chair with two legs” but with 2 more resignations of the technical director and head of aero, We may need to revise this to nitroglycerin.

Take more paint off, that should sort it…

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next issue: 19th March