F1: New brainwashing technique revealed

This year’s wave of unoriginal and worryingly similar F1 liveries has caused a significant outcry among fans. While originally thought to be the results of an uncreative, cynical weight-saving exercise or a fetish for the old Lotus livery, it turned out these liveries were the result of a revolutionary brainwashing technique formulated by the teams’ respective engineering departments.

The method being called “The Engineer Treatment” sees F1 engineers, keen to shave a tenth of a kilo, tie the livery design team to chairs and lock them in a dark room where a surround sound system will play the song “Paint It Black” by The Rolling Stones on a loop. This process was repeated all through the off-season until the designers emerged, demanding they wanted the wings, body, sidepods, etc. “to turn black.”.

We can’t quite trace which team it originated from, but what we do know is that it quickly leaked to Alpine, Williams, McLaren, and Mercedes. However, its effectiveness proved inconclusive. One insider told us, “From the performance data I saw last year, it gave us performance gains similar to the square root of jackshit.”

Despite Aston Martin, Ferrari, and Red Bull largely concluding the same thing, it seems some teams have doubled down on the method, with some going even further in their quest for minimal paintwork. Some fans are calling for the FIA to step in next year to ban carbon fiber liveries. But with livery designers’ brains potentially being altered forever, we’re not sure how that will work.

We did contact the teams to ask if this perhaps unethical practice was actually being used, but the response varied. Some declined to comment. Some admitted it was, but it was “entirely by choice,” and one team interestingly hit back.

“While it is true our livery might be a bit spartan, we want to assure you we are absolutely NOT locking our designers in a cupboard with The Rolling Stones. The reason our livery looks the way it does this year has nothing to do with engineering or aerodynamics; it’s simply because our new lead designer is a goth.” an anonymous team principal.

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Street racer “I thought people liked me”

In a shocking turn of events, a local street racer and self-proclaimed speed enthusiast, Hugh J. Skidmark, has discovered that his entire community thinks he’s a complete bellend. Despite his tire-screeching antics and his flat-out fuckwittery, it appears that Mr. Skidmark’s charm hasn’t exactly won over the hearts of his fellow citizens.

Sources close to the situation reveal that Skidmark, known for his flashy car and orbiting vape cloud, was completely blindsided by the revelation that not everyone finds his late-night street races charming. In an exclusive interview with our correspondent, Harry Cox, Skidmark expressed genuine surprise, saying,

“I thought people loved the roar of my engines and the smell of burning rubber at 2 a.m. Besides, who on earth is trying to sleep at 3 a.m.? If I don’t have a job I need to wake up for, who else could?”

One resident commented, “Every time he barrels past, I always wonder what’s going on in his life. What else does he judge as acceptable? 10 squirts of aftershave? Ankle socks and chinos? How many toilets has he clogged?”

Another’s thoughts were more succinct. “All I can think of when I hear that stupid car is ‘Cock’. It does at least stop after about 3:30 a.m. But that’s probably because he eventually finds a car park to go dogging.”

Skidmark remains undeterred.

“I’m not just doing this for myself; I’m bringing excitement to the neighbourhood.” It’s not my fault if people don’t appreciate my helmsmanship. I’ll fit a new speaker and subwoofer system; that’ll bring everyone around.”

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Rally Sweden review:

This year’s Rally Sweden had just about everything. Drama, controversy, unexpected results and some nice stories thrown in between. So without further waffling here are our main takeaways from Rally Sweden

Lappi made the right move

Last year saw Esapekka Lappi’s first full-time WRC campaign since 2020 and while showing a lot of promise, it was marred by him being, shall we say, ‘accident prone’. Several heavy crashes at the end of last year saw him and Hyundai take the decision to step back once again to a partial season and it’s paid off fantastically, giving him his first win since the 2017 Rally Finland. He looked relaxed, resisted the temptation to push, and most importantly stayed out of shite… Let’s hope this leads to a massive confidence boost for Lappi in rallies to come.

TAKA YOU SILLY GOOSE!

Takamoto Katsuta’s rally didn’t have as happy an ending as Lappi’s. Despite holding an 11-second lead following the demise of Kalle Rovanperä and finishing Friday just 3.2 seconds behind Lappi, Katsuta crashed on stage 2 of Saturday’s running on a fairly innocuous corner, ending his chance of fighting for what would have been a very popular first win. He also came into grief on Sunday, dropping him even further down the order. It was quite obvious this one hurt, and it does feel a bit like he’s stuck in a confidence rut. He’s just a little bit too hasty is Taka. There’s no doubt in his speed, and have a feeling we might see a first win this year if he gets lucky. He just needs to learn to build up his speed a bit more gradually, rather than going maximum attack from the off. The good news for Taka is the next rally coming up is Safari Rally Kenya, a rally he loves and has 2 podium finishes to his name there.

But just remember Taka, you never get nowhere if you’re too hasty…

The new points system is arse-witted

We’re just two rallies into this season and WRC’s new points system has already thrown up some quirks that take a fairly lengthy pause to understand.

Even though Lappi won, Elfyn Evans who finished second gained more points than Lappi. (Evans got 24 points compared to Lappi’s 19). Thierry Neuville and Adrien Formaux both got 18 points despite Formaux finishing ahead of Neuville. And Kalle Rovanperä, despite crashing out on Friday, still took 11 points home.

We understand what it’s trying to do and it does mean we get drivers pushing on Sunday rather than just driving like your granny on the way to the bowls club. But if the WRC aims to bring in new fans, how will introducing a points system more complicated than quantum mechanics help?

Now a lot has been said about how needlessly convoluted, complicated and stupid the new point system is but it’s not that bad. For new fans who aren’t quite sure how we ended up in this absurdity here goes nothing.

The rally is now split into two parts Thursday to Saturday and Sunday. At the end of Saturday, points will be handed out in the order 18,15,13,10,8,6,4,3,2,1. 18 for first and descending. But these will only be handed out if you finish the rally on Sunday. But now there’s another point system awarding in order 7,6,5,4,3,2,1 for the finishing order of Sunday’s stages. On top of that, there are extra points handed out for the power stage to conclude the rally in the order 5,4,3,2,1. But if any of the co-drivers catch the golden snitch running alongside the stage they win 50 points and the rally ends there and then.

While we don’t condone violence. We would be incredibly grateful if someone found the people responsible and hit them over the head with a chair…

Neuville might have been a bit cheeky

One of the big controversies over the weekend happened on Friday evening. Neuville was scheduled to be first on the road and was struggling for pace. In rallying the first person on the road is usually the slowest because they’re the ones clearing all the loose bits of gravel or snow on the road. It’s a little bit like how a racing track gets faster as more cars lap it.

But just as Neuville was about to set off, his engine suddenly stopped and wouldn’t start again. This meant he was 4 minutes late out of service and was awarded a 40-second penalty. This meant Elfyn Evans, Neuville’s main title rival, took his spot in the running order and would have to stay there for the rest of the evening. But once Evans made his way to the start line, the Hyundai suddenly fired up again.

Hyundai is adamant it was a fuel pump problem and they had been nursing it the whole day. Evans, however, wasn’t a happy bunny and thought it was a deliberate ploy to get Evans to be the one cleaning the road and slow him down.

“I guess the spirit of competition has gone out the window. So there you go,”

Was it deliberate? We’ll let you decide that one.

A quick word about Craig Breen

An aspect of this year’s event we felt it would be wrong to omit was one of the stories from a year prior. The highlight of last year’s event was undoubtedly Craig Breen. After a horrid 2022 with M Sport, Breen returned with a vengeance to Hyundai and took an incredibly popular second place. It was a fantastic performance, leading the rally for the majority of the event, and his antics on the Brattby stage earned him the nickname “The Mayor of Brattby.” But it turned out to be Breen’s last WRC event, as he sadly lost his life in a testing accident in preparation for Rally Croatia two months later.

This gave a reflective and slightly melancholic twist to this year’s rally, and it was nice to see the touches made to the event. The Brattby stage he dominated was renamed #42 Brattby by the event organizers. Hyundai were sporting the same beenies Craig was wearing last year, and Dirtfish made a lovely tribute video retelling his heroics throughout that weekend. His name was never too far away from mention, and may it stay that way, Mayor of Brattby.

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next issue: 4th March